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The New Rules of Engagement

Marlowe & Company

CTW Features

He popped the question, she did the work: author Craig Michaels, shown here with his bride, Deb.

photo by Craig Michaels

Somewhere between the shrimp cocktail and his first bites of paella, it hit Craig Michaels: After popping the question, he'd pretty much played no role in organizing his outdoor Las Vegas wedding. And, for the first time in the 10-and-a-half-month run-up to the event, he felt guilty.

"You're embarrassed you didn't do more to contribute to that day."

By tradition, choice or basic inertia, grooms are often sidelined in the wedding-making business, relegated to renting the limo and, well, showing up. Why? Michaels wondered. About a year after his wedding, the guilt-stricken husband went to work.

The result, "Thirty to Wife" (Marlowe & Company, 2006), is a chronicle of his final 30-day march to matrimony and a playbook for grooms-to-be who wish to play a more equal role in planning their big day. Michaels, who directs programming for Akimbo Systems, the San Mateo, Calif.-based video on-demand service, also launched a companion Web site, groom411.com, with a goal of helping grooms look good, or at least more at ease, as they tie the knot. While it's important to "man" the traditional stuff - honeymoon, band and venue approval - it's also important for the groom to pitch in on all aspects of the wedding, says Michaels.

"Offer your opinion; spend a little more time listening to your coordinator," he says. "It's your day. It's important to make it feel like you participated more or contributed more.”

Michaels acknowledges that he shouldn't have just "gotten through" his wedding, he should have helped out more.

"It didn't even matter what,” he says, "I just needed to be more engaged – share in the good and the bad of the planning. Now I realize that it was something that I'm going to remember for the rest of my life, and something Deb will remind me of for the rest of my life."

So far, people have responded favorably to his everyman story. He's become a bit of a local news celebrity, but more important, he says, he's been able to satisfy both the relaxed groom-to-be who wants a good story and the desperate one looking for a life-saving tip.

At first, Michaels' wife Deb was less than enthusiastic about his book aspirations, considering the effort he put into planning. But one of the things he loves about her is her support of his wacky endeavors, he says. She even came up with the title

"She's rolling with it," Michaels says. "She's worried about the sequel."

-- Timothy R. Schulte